A Tranformative Moment...Forgiveness

Steven over at The Golden Fish is having 'A Transformative Moment' Meme. He is asking readers to tell each other about a moment that transformed you, your life, your views.

I have been thinking about this for some time...I know the moment...but do I dare to share it? Do I dare to open it up in my lovely happy blog? Then I read Titusthedogs moment...

She was my inspiration...

This piece of writing was written on a secret blog...somewhere I could express myself personally... it was my therapy.

"Can you forgive and forget? Will forgiving a person make you feel better? or is forgiveness a form of weakness?

I was in a relationship with an older man, who was at the start wonderful, things were rosy. He seemed like a fun, handsome, run of the mill type of guy. We moved in together quite quickly, and all as good. But once you scratched the surface, all was dark and worrying.

He had spent 15 years in the Army, and fought in Iraq. Seen things no-one should have to see. But like too many people who have seen war, didn't get, or was offered any help after to help him understand or cope with the horror.

He would have vivid dreams, wake covered in sweat, screaming, the pain relived in sleep. There was no escape. I tried to help, but as I have now come to understand, and with a great deal of hindsight, I could never really help. He needed to get help - He needed to want it...In simple terms the boy was messed up.

He went into the army to escape and he had been running from his problems long before I ever set eyes on him. No amount of me wanting to help him was going to make him change. He just hid behind walls of secrets and stories.

It turns out he was controlling, hurtful, but most of all he was angry. Angry with himself, angry with his life,the lies, angry that he was just like the man he despised. He didn't know when to back down, he had no control, and the anger was always present when drink was. Take away the drink and you saw a glimpse of the kind, quiet, sensitive, loving man - the man I fell in love with.

A lot happened in our relationship, most not so happy, but I hoped he would change, that I could help him change, and with time things would get better. Until you have walked in my shoes you wont begin to understand it - how love can make you blind.

Things came to an end, when my family saw and experienced the angry man lurking behind the wall. All my family saw what was going on behind closed doors. I was humiliated, and so very sad, but I knew no amounts of "sorry's" would work, and that I could never take him back. He had worn me down, but I knew I would be a fool to not see this as the moment to walk away.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. but I couldn't carry on being in this abusive environment. I was bombarded with calls, text messages, letters. He would follow me home from work to try and talk to me. My mobile constantly on silent because it would ring off the hook. True to form he got angry, threats were made and the police called, it was all so ugly. Then one day it stopped, it was like he vanished into the night, which to be honest is a nice way of saying that he ran away, from the pain, the heartache, off to be behind that wall again.

Even though he had put me through pain and suffering, the only way I could move on was to forgive him. If you forgive you can get over it, move on with your life. The weight lifted, the pain eased.

I understand that it was him, not me who did wrong. He was still this messed up little boy, who never got over the horror and pain of his childhood, who went on to live only more horror. I feel sorrow for that boy, sadness about his inability to accept and seek help. Therefore I forgive him. Thank him for showing me that first you must love yourself, before you can love anyone else.

So Thank you. I wish with all my heart that you are now happy. I forgive you and I understand. Thank you for teaching me this wonderful lesson; I can't change anyone but myself....... I only hope you have learnt it too. "

That was my life changing moment...I transformed...I faced the moon and thanked my lucky stars.