Wednesday, 19 August 2009

A Tranformative Moment...Forgiveness

Steven over at The Golden Fish is having 'A Transformative Moment' Meme. He is asking readers to tell each other about a moment that transformed you, your life, your views.

I have been thinking about this for some time...I know the moment...but do I dare to share it? Do I dare to open it up in my lovely happy blog? Then I read Titusthedogs moment...

She was my inspiration...

This piece of writing was written on a secret blog...somewhere I could express myself personally... it was my therapy.

"Can you forgive and forget? Will forgiving a person make you feel better? or is forgiveness a form of weakness?

I was in a relationship with an older man, who was at the start wonderful, things were rosy. He seemed like a fun, handsome, run of the mill type of guy. We moved in together quite quickly, and all as good. But once you scratched the surface, all was dark and worrying.

He had spent 15 years in the Army, and fought in Iraq. Seen things no-one should have to see. But like too many people who have seen war, didn't get, or was offered any help after to help him understand or cope with the horror.

He would have vivid dreams, wake covered in sweat, screaming, the pain relived in sleep. There was no escape. I tried to help, but as I have now come to understand, and with a great deal of hindsight, I could never really help. He needed to get help - He needed to want it...In simple terms the boy was messed up.

He went into the army to escape and he had been running from his problems long before I ever set eyes on him. No amount of me wanting to help him was going to make him change. He just hid behind walls of secrets and stories.

It turns out he was controlling, hurtful, but most of all he was angry. Angry with himself, angry with his life,the lies, angry that he was just like the man he despised. He didn't know when to back down, he had no control, and the anger was always present when drink was. Take away the drink and you saw a glimpse of the kind, quiet, sensitive, loving man - the man I fell in love with.

A lot happened in our relationship, most not so happy, but I hoped he would change, that I could help him change, and with time things would get better. Until you have walked in my shoes you wont begin to understand it - how love can make you blind.

Things came to an end, when my family saw and experienced the angry man lurking behind the wall. All my family saw what was going on behind closed doors. I was humiliated, and so very sad, but I knew no amounts of "sorry's" would work, and that I could never take him back. He had worn me down, but I knew I would be a fool to not see this as the moment to walk away.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. but I couldn't carry on being in this abusive environment. I was bombarded with calls, text messages, letters. He would follow me home from work to try and talk to me. My mobile constantly on silent because it would ring off the hook. True to form he got angry, threats were made and the police called, it was all so ugly. Then one day it stopped, it was like he vanished into the night, which to be honest is a nice way of saying that he ran away, from the pain, the heartache, off to be behind that wall again.

Even though he had put me through pain and suffering, the only way I could move on was to forgive him. If you forgive you can get over it, move on with your life. The weight lifted, the pain eased.

I understand that it was him, not me who did wrong. He was still this messed up little boy, who never got over the horror and pain of his childhood, who went on to live only more horror. I feel sorrow for that boy, sadness about his inability to accept and seek help. Therefore I forgive him. Thank him for showing me that first you must love yourself, before you can love anyone else.

So Thank you. I wish with all my heart that you are now happy. I forgive you and I understand. Thank you for teaching me this wonderful lesson; I can't change anyone but myself....... I only hope you have learnt it too. "

That was my life changing moment...I transformed...I faced the moon and thanked my lucky stars.


steven said...

hello emma, i've linked you to the main list of particpants so hopefully people will nip over. i'm going to try and figure a way to keep that kist "live" for a while as there were so many people to visit i want to make sure that everyone get's a fair shake. your story here was powerful. clearly you're a brave and insightful person. to be in love but to be able to see and then eventually to act on your intuition. well you know better than most just how gutting that is. to write about it. to share it. well that's bravery all over. good for you to be strong and true to yourself. i hope that life gives you more love and happiness. i really do. you deserve it!!! thanks for participating in this special day. steven

Delwyn said...

Hello Emma

Delwyn here from Steven's meme
thank you for sharing that very intimate story. That was very courageous of you.
There is a saying that forgiveness cuts the ties that bind...and that's a good way to look at concept of letting go of the other person and freeing move on. In effect you can only really forgive yourself... its a bit of a paradox...

It is nice to meet you

Happy days

Eryl Shields said...

Gosh, how wonderfully brave of you to share this. You're right that only by walking in your shoes can anyone truly know what you went through, but you do a damn good job here of instilling a sense of it in your reader. I feel only admiration for you, that you managed to walk away – I know how fettering love can be – and get on with your life, and now share all this. Forgiveness is definitely key to moving on. Good for you and best of luck with all you do.

Kay said...

Emma...i am now going to have to put my makeup on again!!! I sort of know all this..i was there and tried to help you pick up the pieces but reading this has just taught me a lesson...however i want to protect what is mine it has to come from the person who owns the are so, so brave to tell this tale in all its gritty details but i realise i must forgive this man too...i haven't been able to up to now, if i thought about it i was still angry at what he put you through...but you are right...i too forgive him.
You are such a strong person...and a beautiful soul too.

Emma said...

hey Steven, Thank you for your comment and the chance to do this. Brave? I didnt feel brave at the time i felt like a coward, a silly girl. But with all things we must learn the lesson that has been set. I have, and i am very thankful for it!
Love and happiness is all i deal in these days ~ its bliss. x

Emma said...

Hi Delwyn, I so glad you popped over and left a lovely comment! Its a hard thing; forgivness, but your right it did cut the hold he had on me, and i have never looked back!!

Emma said...

Hi Eryl, thank you for you great comment. I'm glad you thought the writing got everything across, its a tough one to put into words, and those words are full of my emotion its hard to re-read.
But the lesson was, in a way, worth the pain to learn...i will never let it happen again!
Thank you for popping by. x

Emma said...

why hello Kay AKA Ma! I know you were there with you understanding arms, and your healing words. but just as you said it was my problem to own... Im glad you have set yourself free by forgiving him, he now holds no ties, has no power.
That makes me smile!
I Love you my gorgeous hearted Ma x

Titus said...

Emma - this was a moving insight into just how damaged relationships can be, but so much more that that. Not only did you manage to end the relationship, you also gained insight into what caused the agony and then you were able to forgive. I'm amazed.
I am feeling a bit humble here, you are quite an exceptional person.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

What a lovely example of the healing, transformative power of setting boundaries and of forgiveness. Thank you.


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